The pain I felt from that night I wrote about in my first post haunted me for many years. Indeed, it still haunts me today. Why would anyone’s mom wish they had never been born? The answer seemed obvious; I was a bad person. I had to be. A good person certainly wouldn’t deserve to be treated that way.
To this day, when I look in a mirror, I see an ugly reflection. I don’t believe that I deserve my wonderful wife or my 3 children. I engage in behaviors which are destroying my body and soul. I gamble, I smoked for 27 years, I was addicted to opioids, I am diabetic and yet I don’t control my diet. Modesty prevents me from continuing.
I believe that I decided I was not a good person 47 years ago and I have spent the rest of my life trying to prove that to myself. I’m trying to get rid of that notion through therapy. This blog is an attempt to come to terms with my demons, perhaps allowing me to exorcise them and give me peace. Even if no one reads it, writing it brings to the surface long hidden emotions, truths, and hopefully answers.
I have spent many hours reading and re-reading the Bible, in particular the Psalms and the books of David. Saul hounded David for years, plotting ways to kill him. David wrote many Psalms about those who would torment his body and vex his soul. David forgave Saul and the rest of his accusers, using text and music to express his forgiveness as well as imploring God to intercede on his behalf.
The music of the church, the old hymns which speak of salvation and forgiveness, these things taught me forgiveness.
I forgave my mom many years ago. That doesn’t mean that her actions are less severe. I don’t know if she ever came to terms with her own demons. If she did she didn’t relate it to me, but her demons were for her to wrestle with.
As I held her hand as she lay dying and whispered, “I love you, mom” my hope is that she whispered, the kind of whisper that only the dead can hear, “I love you, too, Dave.” And her demons finally gave her peace.
Music 3:16 